As I journeyed through three miscarriages, trying to get pregnant, and then needing to stay pregnant, I desperately wanted something to grasp onto. Someone just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it! Early on in this experience, I found a couple of books that were incredibly inspiring and encouraging at the time. I still think the books are great, and all the info is correct. However, their suggestions didn’t work for me. Or maybe I just didn’t understand the full message. The books included God healing infertility and miscarriage problems, a lot of amazing testimonies of God bringing miraculous breakthrough, and then many suggestions for how to walk this path triumphantly. These authors also gave several Bible verses full of promises and God’s heart for childbearing.
I read these books after my first miscarriage and entered the following pregnancy with 100% faith that nothing could stop this pregnancy. I believed the right things and agreed with all the verses listed in the books. When that baby also passed away, I was left very confused and disappointed. Soon afterwards I got pregnant again. This time I was much less confident and really just wanted everyone around me to carry this burden. I didn’t have the energy or heart strength to pray and believe that everything would be ok.
With this pregnancy I made it to 12 weeks, heard the heart beat, and was sure I had made it to the safe zone. Only four weeks later at 16 weeks pregnant, I was sitting in a routine appointment where they could find no heartbeat. This blow came harder and went deeper than the previous two. I could hardly believe it. To say I was angry and disappointed would be an understatement. I felt betrayed.
A couple months after that I was sitting with a small group of ladies listening to an incredible miracle story. My friend had a very serious health condition and was told that she would never conceive. It was absolutely impossible. However, God told her that she would conceive and have a healthy baby. She held on to that promise and persevered. Eventually she did miraculously conceive. Now the doctors were extremely worried. Her serious health condition still remained, and the chances of this baby actually surviving through the pregnancy were very low. Her baby did make it through the pregnancy - one huge miracle at a time. It was like something straight out of the Bible.
As she recounted her journey, she shared many of the verses and promises she clung to. At the end I was left confused. I raised my hand and told her that I had believed those exact verses. I prayed those very words back to God. Why did it work for her and not for me? She paused thoughtfully and then gave me rich wisdom that I still take with me to this day. She explained that you have to stand on the promises and verses that God gives to you. You can’t just take a list and make it into a formula. You have to seek him and follow his lead. This truth was revolutionary for me.
After my first loss, I thought it was just a single miscarriage and now I would go on to have my normal pregnancies. After my second loss, I was discouraged with absolutely no energy left. Like I said before, I wanted everyone else to do the praying and believing while I leaned on them. After my third loss, I had a fire lit within me. I was resolute - “I will have another baby. God, what is the battle plan?” He told me that the battle plan was to draw near to him with all my heart. That was it.
So I made up my mind to seek him wholeheartedly, like I never had before. I didn’t have a formula except that I determined to set aside special time to be with him every single day, no matter what. I spent that time just being with him and listening to his voice. If he brought a Bible verse to my mind, I would find it and meditate on it day after day. I would journal what I thought he was saying.
This season of my life was packed full of amazing God moments. I experienced sweet intimacy and growing in love. I also felt like he was speaking to me at every turn. I would get dreams from him that often had the same theme or symbolism. My kids were hearing from God and would come to me and tell me things that only God could know that I needed to hear. People from church would hear things from God that included the same themes and symbols that he was speaking to me personally.
Physically, he was directing my path step by step. I didn’t know the complete picture at the time, but I did know what to do with what was right in front of me. I went to an infertility doctor who couldn’t find any really solid explanations for my recurrent losses. I changed my diet, did cleanses, took natural supplements, and a lot more. I share all of this to display that I wasn’t just choosing one avenue for healing. I was trying many things. I don’t know if all of these things worked, some, or none. But I do believe God was leading me.
I’ll share a couple of examples of his leading. The only thing the infertility doctor did tell me is that possibly my ovaries were acting older than they should and were putting out bad eggs. She said to not waste any time. We should resume trying right away. I was ready to start the process again when God intervened with a dream. I dreamed that I was driving in a car and ran through three red lights. I woke up and immediately knew it was significant and from God. I believe God was telling me to slow down. We decided to wait three months because of the three red lights that I ran in the dream. During this time of waiting I really believe my body and heart were strengthened in many ways.
At one point during this waiting time, I was driving to meet a friend for coffee. I decided to just sing from my heart. I didn’t sing a song already written and sung by another person. I just sang whatever came to my mind. Whenever I do that, it’s never pretty or awesome, but it’s always powerful. Those times of spontaneous song are always the ones that cut right through whatever I’m struggling with and bring breakthrough. I don’t remember all the words I was singing. But eventually I began singing, “I am healed.” I sang that several times and then suddenly the words became weighty and I just knew that I was healed. I didn’t feel anything in my body, but I was convinced.
Once the three months of waiting were over, we began trying again and conceived. I was thankful to be pregnant, but now I felt like I entered another challenging path of needing to stay pregnant. God specifically led us another time through a naturopath’s prayer. I wasn’t even seeing this naturopath. I was going to the nutritionist in her office. I had some questions that the nutritionist thought would be better answered by the naturopath, so she called her in. I briefly told her my story, and we chatted about my concerns. Then she asked if she could pray for me. In her prayer she asked God to make it clear to me what needed to be done. She continued by praying that God would deal with things that might go back generations. She added, “maybe having to do with her grandma.” I didn’t understand that connection until several weeks later.
We decided to take a road trip up north to visit my uncle, aunt, and family. We hadn’t really ever spent very much time with them, but we knew we wanted to go visit them. While there, we had a lot of time to talk and catch up on life. Somehow my uncle started sharing how he had been ministered to in the area of generational issues, specifically through my grandma’s line. A light bulb went on in my spirit, and I knew God had ordained this for my freedom and healing.
One of my favorite parts of my story also happened while visiting my uncle and aunt. After hearing my story of miscarriages and now being newly pregnant, they decided to have their friends pray for me at church. We gladly accepted. That Sunday morning their friends gathered around me. One of their friends looked at me and said, “I don’t have any idea what this means. But God is showing me an egg, and he says that it’s a good egg.” I was shocked. God couldn’t have been more specific. The infertility doctor had told me my eggs were bad, and God canceled that out. Looking back, I feel so loved by that message from God. He was telling me that everything would be fine. Honestly, at the time I was still nervous. But I’ve learned that my worries cannot stop what God is going to do.
I could go on and on of the miraculous ways God led me during this time, but I will just share one more that is especially close to my heart. When I was pregnant with my daughter after the miscarriages, I was dealing with so much fear. We decided against telling our two older kids until much much later. One day when I was struggling so much, I took my son aside and said, “Let’s see if Jesus has anything to tell Mommy.” We had been teaching him to listen for God’s voice. He put his head in his hands to be focused and listen. Then he picked his head up and said, “Mommy, you’re going to have a baby!” I just said, “Oh, thanks buddy.” I didn’t confirm it since we still wanted it to be a secret, and he didn’t press any further.
Another day where I was particularly struggling, I was begging God to speak to me (I did this often during this season). We were driving along in our minivan, and the kids were watching a show on our little video screen in the back. My kids don’t watch a lot of shows, so when they do they’re glued to the screen. While engrossed, my son said, “Mom, I think Jesus just told me something.”
Me: "What did he say?”
Son: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Well ask him again!”
Son: Paused and then said, “He says you’re going to have a baby.”
Let me remind you. We still hadn’t told him anything. These messages from God were so sweet and pure.
I went on to have a successful pregnancy, actually two! Now we have four kids. My path and sequence of events is different than what yours will be. There is no formula to obtaining breakthrough. Or is there? I actually do think I know the answer to every single problem and impossible situation. The answer is to draw near to God with all your heart. Seek him to love him and to know him. I believe he wants to heal, but he wants to do it in relationship and not by following a list or praying the right things. He wants to lead you step by step and heartbeat by heartbeat. By seeking God with all your heart, you will become stronger in every way. You will learn to hear his voice and discern his leading. When sadness comes you will have full access to all of his grace because you have been practicing noticing his presence. Friend, you have an amazing, intimate, and exciting path ahead of you!
I wrote a children's book about miscarriage and Heaven called Our Heaven Baby. It's our story of pregnancy all the way to the hope of heaven told from my son's perspective, who was five years old at the time. To order a copy for yourself or a loved one, click here. I hope it is a huge source of hope!